Heart-ache

Attention readers: All views expressed in this blog are of mine. Anything said or written here is from my side of what happened and how I felt. Travis has his own version. Although most of what happened is the same in both stories, what was going through our heads and hearts during what happened are different. So don't judge... just enjoy the story!

Travis and I were no longer a happy and mushy couple. We weren't fighting all the time and we still got along, but we had issues we were needing to work out and neither of us knew where to start or how to fix everything.

So one day i wrote Travis a letter while i was in one of my classes. I don't remember exactly what it said, but basically it said that we needed to find a way to work everything out. We needed to talk about it and find a way out of the messy situation we had gotten ourselves into. I told him that i still loved him with all of my heart, but that what was going on could not go on anymore. The day i wrote him this letter, was the day before we were supposed to leave for a weekend convention called LTC. LTC is a leadership training conference thing were abunch of elementary students up to seniors in high school compete in diferent catagories like chorus, puppets, bulletin board....etc.

I didn't hear from Travis the rest of that day. In fact, around midnight that night, i got a call either from his sister or his mom wondering if i knew where he was. I told them i didn't know and that i hadn't heard from him since school was out. They told me not to worry and that he would probably be home any minute. I spent the rest of that night packing and waiting for a call from him. The call never came. I have to admitt that i was pretty worried about him. HE never stayed out too late. He was never in trouble with his mom. This just wasn't like Travis.

I got to the church at 5am on Good Friday. We always had to leave so stinkin' early to go to LTC. I had been there for a good thirty minutes before Travis showed up. Instantly when i saw him i was a little angry. Why hadn't he called? HE usually calls me to at LEAST tell me goodnight. I was also a little relieved that he ended up being fine. But i was also inquizitive. WHere had he been? and why so late? I didn't really want to ask him and risk him thinking that i was being nosy....so i didn't. Instead i walked up to him, put all of my emotions away and said, "Hello". He didn't even smile when he said hello back. I really didn't know what was going on. This definately wasn't the reaction i was used to getting from him. HOwever, i gave him the benefit of a doubt and decided that he was moody because he had gotten in trouble last night and was now grounded. I wasn't sure if i should have kept talking to him or let him have his space, but i walked off. I didn't know how to respond to this new vibe i was getting from him.

I talked with other friends until it was time to load the bus. I was sitting in my own seat when Travis finally loaded the bus. I just stared at him. I didn't know if he was going to want to sit by me, or if he wasn't. I didn't want to ask him to in fear of rejection again. SO i just stared. Travis stopped where my seat was and asked, "Can i sit here?". I told him he could, but again i noticed he wasn't acting like he usually did. The whole way up to LTC, we spoke very little if at all. Something was going through his mind to make him act so distant. I COULDNT STAND IT! but i didn't know how to fix it without making things worse, so i just suffered. The weekend at the convention was no different than the bus ride. When i tried to talk to him it was akward and if he did reply it was in small answers as if he was trying to talk to me as little as possible. This weekend was one of the most miserable weekends of my life.

We arrived back home on Easter sunday, April 20th. Our church wouldnt let us get our luggage until after the evening sermon, in hopes that we would attend. Normally i would, but that evening i was in no mood to sit through a sermon. I sat in the grass in front of the chrch building with my brother and a friend, while Travis sat in his truck. I looked over at him a couple of times. HE was just sitting there...with a blank stare. Something was wrong. So eventually i decided that we NEEDED to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him. I could not make it another hour in this mess. I stood at his driver side window (which is where he was sitting) and just looked at him for a while. Finally, i said, "Hey" to which he replied with a simple, "Hey". I asked him if he enjoyed the weekend and he said, "yeah". NOthing had changed....i was still getting those short one worded answers. Finally he said, "Can we talk?"

NOw at this point i should have been worried. But instead i was excited! He actually WANTED to talk. I wasn't having to make him talk to me. So i said, "sure". He got out of his truck and walked me over to the side of the church building. At first he was quiet. Thats when i got nervous. He asked me ," Do you like dating me?" I told him i did. HE told me he liked dating me too, but that i was right in my letter. I was right when i said we NEEDED to fix our mess. He paused again for while. At this point, i knew what he was about to say. In fact i could have just walked off knowing what had happened without hearing him say it. But it was kind of like in those scary movies when the villian is chasing the victum and they fall and can't get up. they do that so the audience has to listen and has to watch. I was the audience in this case. I knew what he was about to say, yet i just had to hear it. I couldn't walk away. AFter a few seconds of silence Travis said ,"I think we need to take a break." And that was it. That was what i knew was about to happen. But it wasn't until i heard him say it that i began to cry. I didn't want to cry. Especially not in his precense, but i couldn't hold back the tears. He went on to say that we were just getting to serious too fast. That he was guy and the seriousness of it scared him. He said we were only 16 and that he wanted to be free to date other girls and wanted the same for me. He told me he still loved me and that this wasn't forever, that we could end up dating again. ANd of course, he said he still wanted to be friends.I just stood there crying and said nothing. What could i say? What could i do? He had already made up his mind and there was nothing i could say or do that would change it. He reached to me so he could hug me, but i just stood there. SO he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me and tol dme not to cry. WHo was he to tell me not to cry? I had every right to. I had put so much into this relationship, even at 16 years of age! My tears were tears of sadness, anger, and pain.

We still had to go take communion, so i wiped off all the evidence of crying that i could. I didn't want others to see me and to ask me what was wrong. I just wanted to get this over with and go home. But the whole time during communion, i cried. When it was over i just about ran people over to get out of there. I went straight to the bus to get my belongings and made my little brother hurry as well. We were probably the first ones out of that parking lot. WHen we arrived home, I left all of my bags in the car and went inside to find my mom. When i found here all i could say was, "MOm...." and she knew. She embraced me in her arms and said, "OH HOney..." and that was all i needed. My mom understood my heartache, and just her embrace seemed to calm me down.

That night as i lay in bed, i realized that the fear i had the day after our first kiss was coming true. Our relationship was ruined, and our friendship was soon to be as well.