Trouble in my heart!

(Bethany has been asking me to hurry up and post more notes! So this is for you Bethany!)


I was really hurt that Travis was already talking to another girl not even a week after we had broken up that i said somethings that i shouldn't have. Travis was infuriated with me thus making things worse. At first i didn't care! I wanted to make him mad. I wanted to do anything that would hurt him as much as he hurt me. But after a few days, i really just wanted him to get over it. I apologized to him, but he didn't seem to want to accept my apologies. He wouldn't look at me or even say hello. I had hurt him with my words and he wasn't about to let me off the hook.

I looked outside my living room window one night to find Travis' truck sitting in front of our drive way. Why would he be here? He hated me. I walked outside, opened his passenger side door and hopped inside. I said, "Hey" to which he replied "Hey". I assume he had just gotten off from work because he had his work shirt on. I asked him what he was doing there. He said, "I just wanted you to know that i forgive you so that you can go on with your life." See, earlier that day i had made a prayer request that a friend that i had hurt would forgive me so that WE could move on. I guess this was Travis' way of replying to my request. I made sure he knew that i was very sorry about the words i said, but that i was hurt by his actions. I explained to him why i reacted the way i did. What i didn't know was that Travis was hurting too. He didn't like to see me hurt anymore than i liked to be hurt. We fought it all out that night in his truck, but by the end or our conversation we were at least one step closer to being friends again. Neither of us really knew HOW to be friends after dating, but we were going to try.

School was out now, and that summer was long. Travis and I were working on being friends, but it was akward most of the time. We went to several church camps and mission trips together and it helped our friendship a lot.

We were in Mexico for mission work during the month of july. We were to the point that we could talk and be friends without it being really akward. We went with a group from Altus,NM so there were plenty of us there. Travis was hanging out alot with one of his close friends who was older and was also a girl. They got a long perfectly and made each other laugh. It made me jealous. Not necessarily because i thought they were going to date, in fact i knew he wouldn't date her. It was because she had that bond with him that i USED to have before everything happened. So i decided to hang out with my own group of friends. I ended up meeting one of the guys that came from Altus. He was nice and pretty funny so it was a breath of fresh air that i desperately needed. It wasn't long after i started hanging out with him that i noticed Travis was acting weird. He was being way to quiet and when he DID look at me, it was a look of anger. I asked him to talk to me about it, and he wouldn't at first, but i was determined. I MADE him talk to me.

He basically told me that he was angry that i was rubbing it in his face that i had found someone new to hang out with. I didn't know what he was talking about. I wasn't trying to rub anything in his face, in fact i didn't even know that he noticed i was hanging out with him. But it still meant a lot that it bothered him. I told him that it bothered me that he and the older girl were spending so much time together. We talked it out for a while and when we were finished discussing it we hugged. It was the first hug i had received from him since we had broken up and it felt good. I had missed his hugs and i didn't know how much i had missed them until i felt one again. Then he said, "You better make me a pretty good wife someday." Wait.... What?? Travis was still thinking of me as a potiential wife? It was good to hear that he still thought he'd marry me someday, but at the same time i was very confused. At the time, i was content with the way we were. We were rebuilding our friendship.

We spent a lot of the rest of that summer haning out with friends together. It was easier to hang out when everyone else was there too. One night we went to the park to play football. Everyone ended up leaving except for Travis, a mutual friend and I. We stayed and played keep away or something to that sort. I think Travis and I used this as an excuse to flirt. We wrestled the ball away from each other, jumped on each others backs trying to get the ball and laughing hysterically. It was the most fun we had, had since we broke up. When we got back to the church, Travis walked me to my car. We talked for a little while longer. Travis had to wait for his sister to leave because they had gone to church together in her car.

I was about to get into my car to leave, when Travis told me that he wanted to kiss me. He said that he really wanted to kiss me but didn't want me to take it the wrong way. What was i supposed to say to that? OF course my head and my heart were in 2 different places. My head was saying, "What? NO WAY JOSE!' but my heart desperately wanted him to kiss me. Just like in all cases, my heart won the battle. I told him, "Then kiss me. I wont take it the wrong way." When he leaned down to kiss me, memories from the past swarmed my head. I loved kissing him, but i almost instantly regretted my decision. How was i ever supposed to move on if we kept kissin'? And after what he said before we kissed, i knew it wasn't going where i was wanting it to go.

He basically told me he wanted to be friends but still be able to kiss, which i didn't necessarily mind, but i wasn't really thinking about how it would affect me when he found someone he wanted to date. And that day came sooner than i thought it would.....