A new desire...

When Travis and I decide it's time for bed we follow some pretty routine rituals. We brush our teeth, wash our faces, and take our showers. Travis stretches before getting into bed and i lay there waiting for him to get done so that i can kiss him goodnight. Two minutes after he lays down, he's dead asleep...snoring away. It takes me quite a bit longer. I use this time to think about how my day went, what's going to happen tomorrow, what will happen in the future and so forth. I do a lot of my best thinking late at night.

But a major thing that occurs during this time is my conversations with God. I know God already knows all of my thoughts before i think them, my actions before i do them and my desires before i even know what they are. However, my day is never fullfilled until i talk to God, and until i tell him all of my troubles, thoughts, fears, exciting news, concerns and worries. Lately i've had a lot to tell God. I've had a lot of questions and a lot of "what-ifs". The thing i love most about talking to God is that he just listens. He doesn't yell at me if I say something he doesn't agree with. He doesn't laugh at me if i say something stupid. He doesn't mock me or judge me for the things i have done..... he just listens. And then sometime during my sleep he speaks to me. He speaks kind and soft words into my soul and into my heart so that when i wake up, everything is clear and all of my worries, fears and troubles are eased. I LOVE talking to God, and i know he loves it when i talk to him.

He is kind.
He is patient.
He is love......
He is everything.

I want to be so much more than I am.
I want to fullfill whatever it is that he put me here to fullfill.
I want to be a light in the darkness,
and salt in a world that is SO unsalty.
I want him to use me,
to mold me into his image.

Through all of the anger, the tears, and the disappointments
I want to glorify him through it all.
I no longer want to be selfish or needy.
My life is not about me or my desires....but of his purpose.

I want to be all that i was created to be,
all that he wants for me to be.
I'm tired of disappointing him....
of hurting and neglecting him.

I want to be like Paul, when he writes about hs commitment to God's will in Psalm 40:6-8

"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced.
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
Then I said, 'here I am, I have
come-
it is written about me in the
scroll.
I desire to do you will, O my God.
your law is within my heart."