A bit Personal

I want to write about something that is on my heart, but I'm struggling to find the right words.

I'm finding a joy that i had forgotten about.
A peace that I had lost.

Last night i went on my first "Walk to Emmaus" community meeting since i've gone on the walk. If you've never heard of Walk to Emmaus, it's a type of spiritual retreat that no one who has gone can really describe. It cleanses the souls of even those who aren't there to be cleansed. It reaches out to those who we all thought were unreachable. It's.... amazing.

The community meeting touched my soul last night. I jotted down a few things while sitting in a room with me fellow walkers:

Oh to be like thee
I sit in this pew and sing, a little weary and a little of key
Who is this person, this king i once knew?
I have wavered and suffered since i was last in the presence of these few

God of Justice, love and hope
I have been robbed of all knowledge of you
yet here I am trying to reach out, crying out to you for anything you can offer
My knees are weak and my soul is weary

People here glance and smile
not knowing the hurt i hold inside
I search deep inside me to find the energy to smile back
not wanting them to know, hoping they can't see that I've lied


you know the hurt i feel, the loneliness i hold
you know the reason behind the tears i've cried
But i can't find a hand to reach out to and hold
it doesn't matter where i've been or how hard i've tried

My faithful one, my King and savior
my soul was once filled with your spirit
I faintly remember the feeling, the joy and the peace i felt
But with the years came the pain, the suffering and the loss

Deceit, corruption, lies, and the spiritualy sick
all surround me, knocking at my soul's door
beging for a place to stay, a place to stick
fighting them off is sometimes to much of a chore

So search me Oh God,
find all that is evil within me and rid me of it
make me a better servant to your kingdom
find whatever is good in me and use it
Use it for the the good of others
for the good of our country and our world

Use it for the sake of my marriage and my friendships
Let my light shine in any darkness that i find

get me out of the place i have become so complacent with
Keep me in your presence, shield me from the bad

This is my plea, my only desire.
My last hope, my breaking point

It's a little deep and dark. But it's truth. Truth is what i need right now....