Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Taking steps

Travis spent a lot of time with Misty during the first month or so of that summer. I don't know if he really liked her or if he just liked the fact that a much older woman had some kind of interest in him. So im sure you know that pattern by now. Travis and I didn't talk much during that time. I didn't like her, i didn't like the fact that she was around and i definately didn't like seeing them together. So i kept my distance as best as i could.

I guess Travis got tired of her, because in the middle of that summer he was no longer talking to her. We went on like nothing had ever happended because it was easier just to ignore it and by this time i was used to him finding another girl and waiting for him to get tired of them. So by now, the pattern was routine.

School was starting and it was our senior year! Our relationship was good and I was just excited to be back at Frenship where all my old friends were. Travis and I were still hanging out and dating without being "official" i guess. I was sure that our last year of high school was going to be wonderful!

The first football game wasn't far off, but Travis had hurt his knee pretty badly in a scrimmage before the actual season started. He had torn his ACL and partially tore his meniscus. Travis played in the first few games for a few minutes here and there, but had to sit out for the rest of the season. It was my first year to be able to go to the football games without being in the band, so my friends and I often went to cheer on our team. I usually went with my BFF Brandi. Brandi and I had become close friends our senior year and If i wasn't with Travis i was with her. She was also dating one of the football players so we always had fun at the games. WHen the game was over we'd line up at the fence to tell the players what a good game they had played and Travis and Gary Brandi's boyfriend of the time) usually stopped to talk to us. After a few games i started to notice that Travis would stop to talk to another girl as well. I didnt know who the girl was and i'd never heard about her so i didn't htink anything about it.

Outside of school, travis and I went to church and to church activites together. A big group of us would hang out afterwards, or sometimes just he and I did. But everytime we said our goodbyes, he made sure to tell me that he loved me and of course we were still nkow... the whole friends with benefits thing i guess. So i guess i just had it set in my mind that we were more than friends, but not a couple... i know... it's confusing.

And obviously i was confused. During the month of October, Travis started to act distant again. It was getting hard to grab his attention and he always seemed like he had somewher else to be. One night after leaving a bible study called "Lifeline" at our youth minister's house, he was in a hurry to get home. Usually we all hung around to talk and hang out, but Travis had no intention to do that. He gave me a quick hug and told me he'd talk to me later and that he loved me.

I was online talking to a Mutual friend that night about how wierd Travis was acting. He asked, "What do you mean?" i explained to him that he always seemed like he wanted to hurry off to be somewhere else, he wasn't calling me much anymore, and he didn't even acknowlegde me in the hallways anymore. It was then that i found out some news i was not ready to hear.

"Well, i don't know if i'm supposed to tell you this, but he told me he's been talking to Girl J. They started talking about 2 weeks ago."

(no Girl J is not her real name)


That was all i could say. The first emotion i felt was heartache. Girl J was another popular, beautiful, tall and thin girl. She was also a freshman at the time. After i had thought about it for a while though, anger began to come over me. I thought, WAIT! did he not jsut tell me he loved me? and why didn't HE tell me about girl J? Was he hoping i wouldn't find out so that he could just pull me along?

I had had it. I had decided i wasn't going to put up with this anymore. I wasn't gonig to be put on the back burner again so that he could decide when he wanted to take me off. I was so tired of hurting. I was tired of chasing. I was tired of finding out about these girls from other people. Didn't we have a good enough friendship that he could tell me himself? I thought we did. I was tired of crying. I was tired of the pain. I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster that came with Travis. So i decided i wanted nothing to do with him.

Since i had already bought his birthday present, i wrote him a stern note and attached it to his gift. The note said, "Here's your birthday gift. I guess we wont be talking anymore seeing as i found out about Girl J from someone else. Why didn't you tell me?" I put his gift in a bag and dropped it off at his house. Actually i tied it to his truck to where i knew he'd see it, but that i didn't have to see him. After that night, when we passed each other in the halls, we didn't look at each other. He knew i was upset. He knew why i was upset and my letter had hurt him because i told him i didn't want to talk to him anymore. When we did make i contact, i made sure to glare at him. I wanted him to know i meant business. I know he didnt mean to hurt me and that maybe that was why he didnt tell me, but I wanted him to know that i really was tired of everything.

I was so mad that even when they walked down the halls together it didn't bother me as much as it had when he walked with Girl A the year before. I was a stronger person now, and seeing them together just made me want to get over him and move on that much more. The tension between us caused tension in our group of friends, which caused tension in our youth group at church. Our mutual friends didn't know what to do or whose side to take. Of course, since most of our mutual friends were guys so they stuck with him, which was fine by me. I had my own friends.

It was incrediblely hard for me for the first few weeks. There was just so much hurt and anger between the two of us. He was still in my heart and in my mind. I was battling with myself trying to get over him. There wasn't a day that passed that i wasn't thinking about him and staring at all the things in my room taht reminded me of him. I was telling my friend Brandi that i still had all his letters, plastic signed footballs, sweaters, and gifts in my room just sitting there. She gave me the idea of packing it all up and giving it back to him. It seemed like the smart thign to do. I thought that if i could just get rid of anything that reminded me of him, that i would be over him soon.

So i packed up everything he ever gave me, every letter he had ever written, every birthday card, every sweater and every picture. I put it all in a big box and Brandi helped me take it to his house. She parked outside of his house and asked, "are you ready?" I nodded and and got out of the car. I put the box on his porch and left. It literally felt like i had taken a huge step towards my goal. I already felt better. I had gotten his stuff out of my life, now i just needed to get him out of my memory.

No comments: