Friday, November 7, 2008

Back on Track

Football season was still going on and my youth minister and his wife offered to take me and another guy to a game that was out of town. I was excited to go. I loved spending time with their family and holding their twin babies so i took them up on that offer. It was fun. I sat in the back with my youth ministers wife. We played with the babies and talked about random things.

It was chilly outside, but not too cold to enjoy the game. We sat directly in front of Travis' parents. I said hello, and they said hello back. I held one of the twins and watched the game. To my memory, the game wasn't too exciting and i believe we had one. We lined up by the fence to congratulate the players on the game. Our hands were held out to give them high fives as the line of players moved by. When Travis came up i ignored him and skipped his high five. It was childish and stupid, but i did it. I didn't want to give him any satisfaction from my high five, and i wanted him to know that i was still mad.

When we were leaving the stadium, i looked out on the field. I don't know why i did it, but i saw Travis standing on the track waiting for his new girlfriend as she came running up to him and gave him a back smile and a hug. OUch... it hurt.For the first time in a while, i had allowed myself to become hurt again. I guess my youth ministers wife saw the sadness because we talked about Travis and my relationship on the way home. After talking with her i realized that i just needed to do what was best for me and stop worrying about what he wanted or what was going to happen in the future.

So from that night on, I really worked on setting my mind somewhere else. I was hanging out with new friends that weren't involved in the Travis drama, i was spending a lot of new time with God, and i was really beginning to feel okay about it all. I wasn't thinking about Travis at all. It almost didn't even hurt me to see him anymore. I wasn't over him by any means, but i certainly wasn't letting his actions interfere with the way i felt anymore. I was living my life and not letting anything else control me. I started trying to date other guys. They never worked out, but it wasn't because of my feelings for Travis this time. They just didn't work out. God was finally in full control of my life, and i was actually listening to him this time.


Jeremy has always been a very good friend to both Travis and I. At times in our relationship it was hard for him to go back and forth. Jeremy and I had a class together that semester and he sat in front of me. We always chit chatted before and after lecture about life and other things. We had just gotten back to school from Christmas break. Jeremy had told me that Travis had broken up with Girl J. I wasn't shocked. I mean i knew when they dated it wouldn't last long but i just said, "really?" He shook his head and asked if Travis had talked to me yet. I told him that Travis and I hadn't talked in a very long time and i didn't think that was going to change. I really felt that Travis and I were never going to be friends again. We just had too much garbage and too much past together. But jeremy said, "He said he was going to talk to, so i was just seeing if he had."

Class was starting so he turned back around. There was no way i could listen to our lecture. The class was boring anyway, but now my mind was going a hundred miles an hour. I asked my self question after question. Was I ready to talk to Travis? What was he wanting to talk about? Why?

A few days had gone by and I hadn't heard from Travis so i figured either Jeremy lied or Travis decided not to talk to me after all. I was relieved. I just wasn't sure if i wanted to talk to him. After church one evening, i went with some other girls to get coffee. We all piled into one of their vehicles and left my car at the building. We were talking about girl stuff and had been there for an hour or so when i got a text. I read,

"Hi. Can we talk? I miss you...."

It was from Travis. I pretended i was listening to the girls conversation when i was really thinking about how i was going to reply. I spent almost 10 minutes battling between my head and my heart. My head of course was telling me no. It was telling me that i had come so far and if i went back to him now i would be in that trap again. My heart was telling me that i needed Travis. I needed his friendship and that i had missed him desperately. My heart was trying to convince me that whether or not Travis and I ever dated again or not, he was supposed to be in my life. So i replied,

"sure. let me get someone to take me back to my car. Meet me at the church building."

I came up with a lie so that someone would take me back to the church building. I told them i had to get home so that i could study for my test. There was no way i was going to tell them the truth. I couldn't tell them that i was going to talk to the guy that i had spent the last few months swearing i would never speak to again. My pride wouldn't let me.

WHen i got back to the church, Travis hadn't made it yet. So i waited for him. About 5 min later his truck pulled up beside mine. My heart was beating faster. I was nervous. I got out of my car, and he got out of his truck. We just stared at each other. Travis was never very god at words so i could tell i was going to have to break the ice. I could see a certain kind of sadness in his eyes and i could tell he was really sorry for everything. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a big hug. It was an emotional hug that lasted for a few minutes. We both said we were sorry for what all had happened. And that was all that was needed to be said.

After that, we sat in his truck to talk some more. It was very cold outside so we didn't want to stand out there any longer. We caught up on each other's life and laughed as if we had never stopped talking. Then we talked about "us". I told him that i couldn't live that way anymore. I couldn't be wanted one month and dropped the next. I told him that i loved him too much to let that happen. He told me that he loved me too but that he didnt know what was going to happen in the future and he just didn't want to rush into things.

After that night, We were friends. REAL FRIENDS. Not friends with benefits, not friends one month and not the next, we were just friends. I didn't expect anything from him dating wise, and he didn't expect any kissing or anything like that from without a dating relationship there. For the most part everything ran smoothly for the rest of our senior year and the following summer. But Travis was leaving town for college and I was staying in Lubbock. Ultimately, we had to make some decisions.

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